ESSA Leagues

2009/2010 Fixture #9 : David Lloyd 1 -v- Dunbar : 16.12.09

And so Dunbar traveled to the opulent surroundings of The David Lloyd Club in Edinburgh for the last match before the Christmas Break. Alan Murphy had stepped into the breach for this important match, as Dunbar were missing the reliability of Alistair Nichol – otherwise engaged with Status Quo in Newcastle .  Alistair feels a real affinity with ‘The Quo’ – he has achieved so much in squash by possessing only three shots, and they’ve done ok in Rock-n-roll considering they only know three guitar chords!

Whilst on the subject of crap jokes, I arrived early at David Lloyd to be told by one of their team that they boasted the strongest team in the League because – wait for it –  they were propping up the whole table – ha ha!

How I laughed at that one - no doubt taken straight from the Bob Monkhouse book of jokes. What followed however proved no laughing matter for the visitors, as Dunbar took the old adage ‘Christmas is a time for giving’ a little too literally in the generosity of their squash game ..……..

Alan Murphy –v- Colin McCartney

Those of you familiar with Alan’s game will recognize the stock comments he employs at various stages of a match. ‘Granny’s off’ is the usual cry when the first point is on the board, followed by, in no particular order, ‘move yer a**e ya useless auld ****’,  ‘Comeoan ya daft b*****d shiftyersel’ and my own personal favourite, ‘Referee, fur f****sake that’s no fair – ah’m getting ma bus pass next month ye ken’ . If the witty on-court banter doesn’t do the trick, the squash racket being shoved between his opponents legs is always a banker for a few laughs, and we were treated to all this and more last night. Quite how the constant traffic of members walking behind the court took Alan’s ‘entertainment’ is another question of course. The demure ‘ladies who lunch’ crowd in particular moved that bit quicker behind the court when Alan was playing!

Anyway, to the squash itself, and not much to tell really. Alan lost a tight first 9-6, and then I have to say that I think he was calculating how long he could spend enjoying the remaining David Lloyd facilities if he lost quickly.  Any protestations from Alan that this wasn’t the case lost a bit of credibility when he was seen quickly donning his swimming trunks and heading for the Jacuzzi within seconds of losing 9-6, 9-0, 9-3. Alan later insisted the Jacuzzi was ‘full o burdz’ when he got in – he never mentioned how many were still there when he got out…….

Richard Baty –v- Raymond Ross

This could loosely be described as a clash of two styles – one player who could move around the court, and another player who simply couldn’t move – anywhere!! Richard had played Graeme Jones the night before in a ‘friendly’. A man of Richard’s age really should know better, and any hope that his sore and tired legs might loosen up a little were soon dashed as the scoreboard kept ticking along in the wrong direction for Dunbar’s No.4. As you may know Graeme Jones works as a Sports Scientist with the Scottish Football Association, and I’m a little worried for the physical health of our National Team if Graeme preaches a similar style of preparation to them! ‘Right lads, go out the night before a big match, run around a squash court like a headless chicken for an hour and get absolutely knackered – you’ll be fine the next day honest’ Poor Richard. At one stage, I thought he was deliberately targeting my unique status as the only Dunbar player to suffer a ‘triple bagel’ defeat in the East Leagues. At 0-9, 0-9, 0-4 he was tantalizingly close, but his hopes disappeared when both the ball and his racket were in the same vicinity for a brief moment and he was able to hit it for a winner!  A painful loss for Richard in every sense, 9-0, 9-0, 9-3 and Dunbar are 2-0 down.

Graeme Jones –v- Neil Abbey

And so to the match featuring the aforementioned Graeme Jones, the man who will not now be appointed as the Team’s Personal Conditioning Coach!. I was referee for this one, between two very fit players playing on a very warm court. Winners were always going to be difficult to play, and so it became attritional, something which suits Graeme in particular. The important factor of course is to avoid unforced errors, and Graeme played too many in the first to lose it 9-2. He was much better in game 2, played wider crosscourt, and tighter when playing straight. This game was much closer, and if Graeme had maybe played a couple of drops when Neil was stranded at the back it might have been a different result, but Neil nicked it 9-6. In all honesty the match was still a very long way from being over at this stage. Unlike Richard, Graeme will run night after night, and I would have had him as favourite if he could have taken the 3^rd. A really tight game saw Graeme save a match ball and get back to 8-8. At that point it was all to play for, but a nervous tin was followed by a winner from Neil to give him his second match ball. Unfortunately the very pedantic referee then awarded a stroke against Graeme – never a nice way to lose a match. To Graeme’s credit he continues to improve, and earlier in the season would have been further behind Neil’s game. The fact that Neil was hugely relieved to win in three says all that needs to be said about which way the momentum was moving in this match, and Graeme will be an even stronger player in the 2^nd half of the season against the Turkey stuffed, booze addled oldies!!

Evan Green –v- Graham Muir

There is apparently an ‘unofficial’ award on the ATP (Tennis) Tour, voted on by Journalists, for the most unpopular player of the year. Marcello Rios by all accounts made this award his own by winning three years in succession in the 1990’s. The reason I mention this is because if a similar award was voted on by the ESSA playing membership, it would be a landslide victory – year after year – for one of the players who played in this match. The laws of libel/defamation/slander prevent me from naming him, suffice to say he not from Zimbabwe ………

Anyway, Evan was pretty much in control against Marcello – sorry – I mean Graham in this one. He did let an 8-2 lead in game one slip to 8-7, but thereafter was always ahead in a 9-7, 9-1, 9-2 victory against the player from Chile – sorry – David Lloyd. Having turned up late to play, Graham was his usual friendly self post match, a brief handshake being followed by the usual disappearing act without a word.  Perhaps he was off to the Edinburgh Premiere of ‘A Christmas Carol’. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Jim Carey, a well known devotee of ‘Method Acting’ had spent some time with Graham in preparation for his role as the principal character.  Can’t wait to see you down at Dunbar Graham - Bah Humbug indeed!

David Legge –v- Alex Killick

I’d played Alex twice before. Having beaten him the first time we met I remember taking the first game 9-0 the next time we played, and thinking ‘this is easy’. I then lost the next three games of course! Although Alex is erratic he does possess winning shots, particularly with his attacking boast, and so I was very mindful of the danger. This was apparent when a good lead in game one at 7-1 began to disappear, but I kept my composure to win that one 9-6. The 2^nd was much quicker, Alex making lots of mistakes and me just playing steady squash for a 9-2. I’m not then sure what happened in game three. Fewer mistakes from Alex maybe, a couple of good winners too, and a mistake or two from me and I was soon 2-5 and then 4-7 down. I didn’t want to go into another game, Alex can turn his form around very quickly and so I made a big effort to get back and sure enough the tins returned for Alex as I took six of the next seven rallies for a 9-6, 9-2, 9-7 win.  

So the end of the first half of the season concluded with an 8-14 loss. When ‘all the scores are in’ I expect the lower third of the league to be very tight indeed, and we will start the second half only just above the relegation zone – if that. So, as Team Captain, my EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS over the festive season are:-

1.Early to bed

2.Not too much Turkey

3.No Mince Pies at all.

4.Half a glass of Cider on Christmas Day, with maybe a small sherry at New Year…..

If you believe that of course, then you’ll be looking forward to seeing Santa come down the chimney as well.  Have a great Christmas and New Year, and raise a glass to a great 2010 for the Dunbar Squash Team – keep it tight and deep!

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