ESSA Leagues

2009/2010 Fixture #18 : Dunbar -v- David Lloyd 1 : 18.03.10

The Final Act – a sorry tale!

They say that Sport at its best is pure Theatre. Well last night the curtain finally came down on the long running Drama that was the Dunbar Squash Club 2009/10 ESSA League Season – Div 3. . To be honest, the Final Act was more Shakespearian Tragedy than the uplifting, feel-good closing number we’d all hoped for, and when the players eventually left the Stage - frantically trying to dodge the rotten fruit being thrown at them (that’s Halhill food for you!) - they were left to reflect on a season which promised much, started poorly, and then deteriorated! The flickering flame that represented league 3 survival was finally extinguished last night, and the Sporting Gods were obviously off enjoying themselves elsewhere when you consider that the last, fatal blow was administered by none other than our Nemesis – David Lloyd. Talk about twisting the knife.

With a squad weakened by injury and unavailability, we had no lofty expectations when the league kicked off last October. It must be said however that as the season wore on, we spectacularly failed to meet the very low standards we had set in the early games. As players, just when we needed to stand up and answer the call, we produced a disappearing act that would have had Fred Goodwin and Tiger Woods nodding in approval. From a position of mid-table at the half way point, we were the League’s worst performing Team in the 2^nd Half.

And so to the sorry Tale of last night. Although tempted to use assumed names to avoid the possibility of vigilante retribution – I have decided to name and shame!!

Act One

Richard Baty -v- Gordon McDonald.

I was refereeing this game, and suspected it might be tough for Richard when his team mate Dave Weissgerber yelled ‘Tin tin’ on seeing Richards first mistake – tough love I believe that’s called!  Richard started (exceptionally) slowly – 9-0 first game. I adopted the Brian Clough strategy of saying nothing in the break, clearly suggesting that Richard sort it out himself. It nearly worked, as he won a few points in Game 2 – four to be precise. So at 2-0 down, and with an unbelievably bouncy ball/warm court, I told Richard to cut down on the mistakes from ‘constant’ to merely ‘regular’. This, combined with a much better length completely changed the complexion of the match, as Richard fought back from 0-5 in Game 3 to win it 9-7. There fourth was very tight, but at 7-7 the legendary ‘Tin Man’ returned again for one final magnificent performance. This brief cameo was all that was required for the last two points to disappear below that thin red line, and Richard was vanquished. ‘Encore’ ‘Encore’ implored the baying crowd (Evan & Willie), but Richard slowly exited Stage Left with an enigmatic wave of the hand, secure in the knowledge that his reputation was restored, and that he’d treated the audience to one last flamboyant display of his very unique playing style!

Act Two

David Weissgerber -v- Raymond Ross

David took to the court having recently secured a lucrative contract as the new global face (body) of Neoprene Sports Supports. The creaking and groaning from his joints was drowned out only by the exasperated yells that came each time one of his normally reliable drops shots hit the top of the tin.  By all accounts that was much more often than usual, possibly due to the finely tuned balance he normally displays being put out of ‘sync’ by all that padding & support. Dave hasn’t played nearly as often as he’d have liked this season, primarily due to work commitments, and his mood wasn’t improved much when it became apparent that he was playing against Raymond. If ever there was a 30 minute period when Dave had wished he’d been wearing boxing gloves rather than holding a squash racket this was it. Normally the most unpopular man in Halhill on these nights is the Chef, but he would have needed to produce something TRULY awful to challenge Raymond’s claim to that moniker – at least in Dave’s eyes. This particular Show was pure Panto, and Raymond was perfectly cast as the Pantomime Villain. He played the role to perfection, niggling away at Dave, arguing with the referee. When he challenged a ball he hit as ‘being up’ I could tell the crowd were desperate to yell ‘OHHH NOOO IT WAAAASN’T’. When he challenged the Ref they had to stifle the ‘BOOO HISSS’ and we were ALL wanting to shout ‘HE’S BEHIND YOU’. Unfortunately he spent most of the match in FRONT of Dave, perfectly placed to put the ball away into those front corners. 

Although I was refereeing Richard at the time, I did think that I could hear the odd complimentary shout about Dave’s game. ‘Just like an Egyptian’ was one of them I thought? In the Bar afterwards the truth came out that Graeme had actually likened Dave’s movement to that of a ‘Mummified Egyptian Corpse’ Puts a slightly different slant on it I suppose!  Still, the pain – literally I’m guessing - was over for Dave soon enough. Dave was adamant that the match wasn’t as one sided as the score suggested, but 9-3, 9-3, 9-0 suggests to me that Dave was more occupied contemplating a nice pint of Belhaven Best to go with his Gourmet meal.

Act Three

Alistair Nichol -v- Alex Killick

Alex is the oppositions ‘Leading Man’ – all classy movement and elegance. He had reckoned without Alistair of course - Dunbar ’s very own Matinee Idol!  Al wielded his racket like a sword fencing star from Hollywood ’s golden age. Through the smoky back glass of the Court he almost appeared to be Stewart Grainger in ‘Scaramouche’ – that flashing blade cutting Alex to pieces bit by bit. Ok – so Stewart Grainger never wore his socks just below the knee, and didn’t tuck his shirt in to his shorts, which were pulled up higher than Simon Cowell himself might feel appropriate. But other than that it was definitely Stewart Grainger. In fact when Alex dropped his racket Al even picked it up and returned it to him – just like the ‘Good guy’ always did in those sword fights with the ‘Baddies’ sword! The result was never in doubt of course, and at the end I half expected Al to be stood with one foot on Alex’s prostrate Body – racket pointed at his throat, before picking him up and tossing him out an open window into the Moat below!!

So a victory for Al – his 10^th from 17 this season – ‘The Postman’ himself delivering as usual!

Act Four

Graeme Jones -v- Gary Walker

We hadn’t come across Gary before, a very good looking player who by his own admission can be a bit slow out of the Blocks. Graeme has learned a lot this season, and was focused from the off, winning two very tight games 9-7, 9-7 to give Dunbar a chance of levelling things up at 2-2 on the night. As the score remained tight through the 3^rd, victory for Graeme began to loom into view, and became even more tantalisingly close when 7-7 was reached. At this point it’s probably worth pointing out that (as some readers may know) Graeme is also a member of Newlands in Glasgow , and recently had the ‘pleasure’ of playing Peter O’Hara in the Club Championship. Peter has been one of Scotland ’s best players for 15 years, and can hit the ball into the nick from any position on the court. What Graeme needed now was a couple of Peter ‘specials’ to get him over the finish line. Unfortunately Gary was by now getting into the match and playing more controlled squash. Graeme quite rightly decided against trying to emulate Peter O’Hara’s nonchalant brilliance, and tried to play proper squash, but the next two points went to Gary , and he was right back in the match. Game 4 was much quicker – 9-2 to Gary as Graeme began to regroup for what was bound to be a tense finale. And so it proved, but Gary always had his nose in front to edge it 9-5 and take David Lloyd into an unassailable 3-1 lead on the night.

Graeme – who works for the SFA at Hampden, has sported exclusive SFA branded merchandise all season in the deluded hope that it might intimidate his opponents. He might by now have realised that it only serves to make the opposition giggle in the knowledge that he represents the whipping boys of the World game. He travels to Madrid next week to hob knob with FIFA apparently - and is under strict instruction to get some smart FIFA logo gear that he can wear for the 2010/11 season – much higher up the ‘intimidatory gear’ food chain!!

The Final Act

David Legge -v- Neil Abbey

And so it fell to yours truly to bring the Curtain down on our season. Neil is a decent player, but not one of the best I’ve played over the course of the year. I think the general lack of intensity I brought to this game was obvious, and Dunbar being relegated the previous week had maybe sapped my normal meticulous preparation. I can’t think of any other reason why I’d done something I’d never done before an ESSA league match – I had already played squash that same day during my lunch hour – not a good idea for my 45 year old legs. Added to that were the ridiculous bouncy conditions that were not helping my rapidly diminishing stamina levels, and so we just stood there trying to batter one another into submission with a ‘thou shall not hit a drop shot’ mentality. To cut a long story short, I survived and won a close match 3-1, almost blowing the 4^th having led 7-3 before facing a game ball against me – I did NOT want a fifth game!

Postscript

And that as they say – is that. The end of a disappointing / frustrating / unlucky season – take your pick but a bit of all three in fairness. We shall return in October – fresh and ready for battle in Division 4. Relegation in successive seasons has taken us from the heady heights of Division 2 to the next to bottom league 4. Not nice, but the results don’t lie. Thanks to all those who have gamely given their all, and to those who came down to watch. We’ll be organising a Golf/Curry day soon, and will keep you all posted about that. In addition, we’ll be looking for real commitment to play ESSA league squash from people next season, in the hope that we can actually run 2 Teams again, widening the interest and involving more people each week. Stay tuned.

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